I ask that as though it's a mystery... well ladies and gentlemen, it most certainly is not. I know exactly how I lapsed creatively. It was a long journey and one that, looking back, was actually a long time coming. I don't want to go into detail because this will be published online, and even though in one corner of my brain I'm actually just writing these posts for myself, another corner of my brain is very aware that anyone could read this!
So. To keep it short, I spiraled last year. Down down down into what is known as a well of depression. It is also known as an existential crisis, and heartbreak, and a crisis of conscious. Basically any stereotypical hard time you can think of is what I experienced. Sorry, I know it seems like I'm making light of what many people go through and things that I know to be very serious. I'm only taking this tone as a defense mechanism. It was actually an incredibly difficult period of my life and if it weren't for my mama being here over the summer and me coming to recognize just how lucky I am to be surrounded by wonderful friends, I don't know where I'd be right now! Probably stuck. Static. In the same position I was in and just utterly unhappy.
Unhappiness is what it was, at its base. I might have used this phrase before in a post (gosh it's been over a year and I can't remember!!) but someone once said of acting, "it's the worst job in the world until you get a part. Then it's the best job in the world." I keep coming back to that phrase. I quote it to strangers who ask what I do and tell me how hard a career it must be. Well yes, it is incredibly hard. And all of that wishing and hoping, rejection, money spent on headshots and workshops, and then more wishing and hoping, it really does get to you. And when you are isolated from creative ventures and creative people... well it's just so easy to lose sight of why you are trying to pursue it. It's easy to lose sight of why you love it. But you continue to call yourself an artist. You continue to meet people and say "I'm an actor" but in the back of your mind you think "Am I? Really?"
Yes you are.
So the trick was to get back to it. To make some pretty significant changes in my life. To start from scratch. New house, new job. But same friends and same agent (who is wonderful, thank you!!!!).
The silly thing is that I had a successful year as an actor! Not in the Hollywood sense, but I had a few paid jobs, I got to travel a tiny bit, was put up in a luxury hotel in Berlin... I was averaging two or three auditions a month and I got to perform onstage. That is a good year. I have many friends who are envious because they struggle to get even one audition, or hell to get representation! That's the industry and I had a pretty good year considering. But I was still unhappy because I just felt creatively blocked. Being removed from creative environments - whether it be my colleagues who are affiliated with the arts, or even just going to see theatre - had a horrible effect on me. I didn't understand how important those environments were. That support. That inspiration.
I ended up taking a month and a half off. I left my job mid November and lived off of my savings during that time. I had already booked my flight home for Christmas and I told myself come the new year, I'd find another job. At that time I knew I need to reconnect with "me."
If anyone is feeling stuck, I so recommend doing this! It's not easy, I know, even just financially speaking. I was very lucky to have been able to save enough money that this time allowed me to enjoy myself and not stay locked away for free at home. It was a month and a half stay-cation. No better place for a stay-cation than London, really.
I did get back in touch with myself. I got back to doing yoga every day. I was eating healthier. I started reading again. I've never written so much in my journal before. I would travel around the city with my CBC Radio backpack full of pens, my journal and a book, and as I wandered or waited for people, I would write write write or read read read. It was bliss and my mood was immediately lightened. I felt creative juices flowing. I recognized that this was sacred time and I didn't want to waste it. I put all sorts of pressure on myself to start writing narrative: a play or a book. But even that was too much pressure. It just wasn't in me at that time and once I let go of the idea that I would never ever have time to write again!!!, I was able to enjoy writing for myself: just little scenes or, as I mentioned, my journal.
I was also in a panic that I would be bored and that I would waste this precious time in front of the TV. So before my last day of work, I made dates with all of my friends! People I hadn't seen or properly spent time with in ages. And after that first week was full, every subsequent week was as well. My diary was constantly full. I was going to museums, markets, the theatre, the London Philharmonic, the ballet. Even just a pub night (oh so many pints were had during this time...) made me realize just how lucky I am. I am surrounded by incredible people. People who are there for me, care for me, whose conversation is meaningful, who go out of their way to spend time with me because they care for me and who I do the same for.
I realized I am lucky. And it is in my power to make a change. So stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get up. Get out of bed. Do something.
I spout the "life's too short" philosophy all the time but I wasn't really living it. Well it was time to start. Life is too short not to make a change that will pull you out of unhappiness. Find happiness, it is so key. Your outlook will change, you will see the world differently. Right now I am sat at my desk, which is positioned in front of my window. I have a view or our garden which, to be totally honest, isn't very well kept. But I have trees in sight and the neighbour's backyard is quite pretty. And today there is a light blanket of snow covering leaves and branches, and the sun in shining and there are bright rays that are just illuminating. It's beautiful. I feel so grateful that I'm in a position now to recognize that. To recognize the little things.
During December, I was also going to Masterclass workshops. Working professionals would come and talk to a group of artists for an hour and half about... well anything! What it's like to be a working actor, how to keep your head on your shoulders, tips on auditioning... anything. During one of these lectures, Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way was mentioned. I copied down the name and ordered a copy that night. It's a twelve week course on how to get back in touch with your creative self. It sounded like exactly what I needed!! I was willing to try anything, so what the hell.
It is now nearly March and I have only just started it...
I was a bit intimidated about delving into what I was sure was going to be a very intense journey of self discovery. I told myself "you have to get a routine down! New job, you have to find how to balance that new work with your real work as an actor and your rediscovered friends." An excuse? Absolutely. But somewhat true...
I signed up for a six week course on Voice Over work. It was an online course that advised on how to start your own business, from marketing to the technical side of things. I told myself it would be too much to try to do two courses at once! (An excuse? Absolutely) So after it was done, then I would start it.
Happy to say I stuck to these deadlines.
I'm finding it hard to find the time to do everything I want to do though. I'm working more day shifts now with this new job, which I love! But it turns out I'm more productive during the day. That is to say, when I finish at 5pm, I do so love just getting in my pajamas with a bowl of soup and a glass of wine... Anyway. I knew that I wanted to get back to this blog, just as a way of keeping my website fresh, even though I don't promote it... That'll be another milestone, to publish this and share the link. For now it's just to keep my website active and to put some thoughts out there! So I've decided to publish my end of week reflections for my Artist's Way course here. I don't know how this will go... I might find that these reflections actually call for really personal revelations. But for now, I like this plan.
So here goes!
Ok so there are two components to the course that you fulfill every week.
The first is the Artist Date. You take your inner artist out on a date - just the two of you! It can be anything, from going to the movies or the theatre or just taking yourself out for a cup of coffee and staring out the window. But it has to be just you, and it has to be a very deliberate plan. You can't just wind up somewhere solo and think right! That's that for the week then! I loved this idea because I've been inadvertently doing it for quite some time now. To make a point of connecting with myself though, I just loved that idea.
So this week, I had an audition and a meeting on Thursday, and after I decided to go to the movies. It's Oscar season! There are some fantastic films out there right now. The Shape of Water is what I chose... a Guillermo Del Toro film. I love him! His fantastical modern fairy tales... a friend said he's sick of Del Toro's monster films. Maybe they are a bit formulaic, but I love the formula, and I am always swept up in the magic.
I forgot how thrilling the movies can be. Maybe it's because I've now worked on a few sets? But just the scale of it all. How much work and commitment it takes from so many people... it's miraculous that so many people can be focused on one project! To make a story come to life. Whether it is a fantastical movie or not, there really is magic in movies!!
There's an added magical feeling when you go by yourself to a midday showing during the week... you feel like you're skiving something off. Like everyone else is at work or at school but you? You're at the movies. You're one of maybe five people in the cinema, and you five are sharing this moment when you should actually be being a productive member of society. Nope! I'm treating myself to nachos and to a beer and going to be swept away by storytelling.
The movie was very good, by the way. But more importantly, that moment felt really good. I was treating myself to a small moment and watching something that was creatively inspiring. It just felt good.
The second component is something called Morning Pages. The first thing you do in the morning is write 3 full A4 length pages, and then you take those pages and just tuck them away. You don't reread them - at least not for another two months or so. You just write. Stream of consciousness. Also known as the brain drain. Just get your humdrum thoughts out of the way so there's more room for constructive and creative thoughts! There's no right or wrong way to do it, you could even write "I don't know what to write" over and over until something else pops into your head. As long as you keep writing, it doesn't matter!
I know this. I hear this. But I still feel like I'm doing it wrong.
I like the ritual of it! Of getting up in the morning and writing. But I don't want it to become my journal. I want to keep journalling and part of me feels almost guilty that I'm putting my thoughts and feelings into another notebook, you know? How am I supposed to keep track of all of my thoughts if they're not in one place!! That's silly. I understand that. But I can't help how I feel.
I was so hoping that stream of conscious writing would reveal some amazing idea for a story, you know? That it would literally be creative juices flowing. But maybe that's putting too much pressure on it again? I need to stop doing that!!!! Stop putting pressure on the wrong things. A bit of pressure, I believe, is good. It'll keep you focused and motivated. But the wrong kind of pressure leads to stress. For a course that is supposed to just get you feeling inspired, is supposed to get you feeling reconnected, surely you should not be feeling stressed.
But I can't help it!! Even facing certain things through the first week stressed me out. Admitting certain things to myself was incredibly hard. And I'm writing it all out in a notebook as well... somehow seeing it all in writing, displayed in front of you, is harder. To take your hand away and see the words that are left there, is very hard. It makes it more real.
The first week is about negative voices that come from yourself and maybe from others. You create a hall of monsters and a hall of champions. In creating these halls and in finding the affirmations you need to hear, you have to relive some very negative moments, and rehear some very negative words.
I was startled and a little bit shaken to pinpoint who said these things to me, and to realize that the words spoken really did have a lasting effect on me. I'm not going to name names here. And I know that these people didn't know what they were doing, didn't have vicious intentions when they said what they did. I don't now think of these people any less because of what they once said in passing. It's like the words they said are just out there floating... even though they are disassociated with their creator though, they still exist.
Do you have negative voices? What do you do with them?
The idea is try to turn them on their head. To make them positive, somehow... to hear someone's criticism and find a positive spin in it. You're not weak, you're actually strong for acknowledging your weakness and trying to do something about it. This hasn't really worked for me, to be honest. Because the monsters in that particular hall are truly frightening to me. I am weak, and criticisms hit me hard. So hard that I reel a little, I feel off balance and sometimes topple. Or else I freeze and I'm actually not sure which is worse...
But this is when you're hall of champions emerges. I did these exercises on two separate days and I absolutely noticed a change in my mood. I was crushed when I faced some demons. I walked around the cafe I work at and felt heavy. Haunted, like these monsters were at my back whispering these words I'd rediscovered.
But reliving my championing moments was wonderful. And once I started to think about the moments that really encouraged me, more and more memories came to the front and I just couldn't stop writing them! I wrote pages and pages that night. I remember it was a night that I finished at five, but I did not get into bed, I got to work instead. And retrieving positive energy from the past gave me motivation to keep moving forward.
So I guess that's the key then? I'm not strong enough to beat my monsters. No way, they will always be there. Some people I'm sure are strong enough to kill them but I'm not that person. My key is to have my champions at the forefront. I need to remember every positive moment. Record them maybe? Just recall as much detail as possible.
Champions are my fuel.
In the same way seeing my friends saved me during my darker period this summer, they've now given me my creative drive back. Their words, their hands helping me up.
Everyone has these people in their lives. I bet if you take an evening and really think about the important people, the effect that they've had you, you will wake up the next morning and feel ready to conquer whatever it is you're passionate about. It's all about the people.
Life is too short, and it is definitely not a solo venture.